Zombies are the new Vampires. Don’t fight it, just accept it.

2/3 years ago there were millions of Vampire things, as Twighlight exploded it’s sparkly pent-up teenage vampire jizz all over us.
Vampire movies, TV shows, people thinking they were Vampires, other books that looked very similar to the Twilight saga…

I’m sure there is some cultural relevance to the popular culture move towards their revival – like the blood-suckers on wall street, or the tension of terrorism or some such thing. I could research it, and look at what sparked other major revivals in Vampire-pop-fiction, but this is MY blog and I can’t be bothered. So go read an essay if you are.

But now the shift has gone distinctly Zombie-ish (if you ask me, which…you know… people do, “Oh Paris, you are so pretty and I like your hair, what do you think about this new trend of zombies in Popular culture?”). Okay sure, the 4th instalment of Twilight Saga is still coming, and it will probably re-spark all the Twihard obsession and heavy breathing, but naaah. The Vampire boat has sailed and a new monster is taking over, a senseless, grunting, brain-eating violent beast who will spark the apocalypse of the human race (hmmm, what is that saying about society now?)

I recently read ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ which is P&P with zombies, basically, and ‘World War Z’ which is a Zombie outbreak that occurs in the form of a new virus, and infects the world. WWZ is less a book about a Zombie “war” and more a collection of little stories, in the guise of a report being written, about how different countries deal with the epidemic, people’s personal experiences of survival, and the aftermath of the zombie races destruction. Extremely interesting, creepy and kind of accurate. Then there are of course the Zombie movies that have brought more popularity to the Zombie genre, that really began with ‘Shaun of the Dead’ and “I am legend” for this wave (in my opinion) and has steadily grown with popular films like ‘Zombieland’ and continued with awesome TV show ‘The Walking Dead’ (I’m sure there are many others, forgive me my ignorance and laziness).

What I have learned from watching all these films and Television shows, and reading all these books, is that to survive in the event of a Zombie rising, you have to:

  • Be quick and cunning
  • Cut human emotions out – like seeing your family members as slobbering monsters and not breaking down
  • Deal with a lot of blood
  • Keep moving all the time
  • Fight monsters

I would not consider myself a coward, but there is no way I could fight something that looked and smelled like a Zombie, and wanted to eat me alive. There is no way I could walk away from a Family member that fell behind to be attacked, or one that was already an unseeing monster drooling for my grey matter. There is no way I wouldn’t shriek and FREAK the-fuck-out at the sight of blood/intestines/brain bits all over the roads (recently dealing with a dead mouse body in our kitchen was waaaaaaaaay too much to deal with!). And I’m not very fit, so I’m not sure I could keep moving and survive constant fight and flight (oh yes, must get to the gym…)

So I have to conclude that I would very quickly become a Zombie, which is a shame, because I don’t really like raw fish sushi, I’m not sure how I would go with raw human.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m organized, and if I had ample warning, I could probably live through a Zombie world take-over hunkered down somewhere remote. I like making lists, so the OCD part of me would thrill at the idea of gathering enough supplies for myself.

Shopping List for Zombie Invasion

Warm Clothes (can be used as Blankets/bedding too)
Extra Underwear and socks (not sure what the washing situation is going to be)
Cans of food
Soil and seeds (may have to grow own food in corner of bunker)
Live animals? Cows/Goats/Chickens, (animals that can provide more than one thing…sorry pigs)
Water (but also can be collected)
Batteries and torches
Candles and matches
Books to read when bored
Paper to write rambling crazy letters once I go mad because there is no one else around and everyone is a zombie
Weapons, in the scary event I must kill zombies
Tampons (I just realized no one in these apocalypse movies discusses how to over come THAT female hurdle. Thanks a lot female anatomy!)
A radio to find other people
Alcohol (for medicine, and also, because at this point I’m alone in a bunker with a cow and some chickens for company, life’s pretty sad)

I really hope a Zombie virus doesn’t take over the human race, it would be messy and smell bad, and there are still loads more places I need to see before I die/become undead. Really, being a Vampire would be better. They always seem to be fairly clean and well put together, they don’t really smell (I guess) they can fly and they don’t age. Sign me up!

But seriously kids, don’t eat people and don’t drink blood.

This PSA has been brought to you by PHT