Being an international woman of the world (I am Carmen Sandiago and you ARE jealous) I have friends scattered across the globe, which is fun for me because I get facebook birthday messages for like 48 hours, AND I have sweet places to crash when I travel.

But I’m getting to that fucked up weird age where people I know are starting to commit to each other (ew) and get engaged and stuff (yay diamonds!)

This is all very well and good except that I am missing out on heaps of free alcohol (read: engagement parties) and obviously not getting to squeal and dance around like a lunatic with my lady friends. And today when I really thought about it, I was like, fuuu-oh-oh, because obviously I want to attend the weddings of the people I love, but a lot of them are on the other side of the planet and stuff. And from what I understand about “working” (I believe it’s pronounced yerking?) in the real world – there are certain limitations to the number of days you can just not show up.

With that in mind, I thought it would be really helpful for me to compile a list of totally great locations that my friends could choose from (that’d be great thanks) for their wedding destinations, so that I could get a vacation AND do whatever it is you do at weddings these days (sing songs? hold hands in a field and commune with the earth? weep quietly in the corner while stroking the table cloth and whispering, “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” before getting into a physical fight with the bartender because what do you mean I’m cut off?!)


The Bahamas
Lets get you guys married, ANNNNNND get a tan. This location is ideal for me because I have really good boobs and can really rock a bikini, and we all know it’s not a good day unless i’m drawing attention to the one great physical trait I got out of my family gene pool (screw you height, I didn’t want to be able to reach things on the top shelf anyway). From what I understand, The Bahamas are kind of close to me (well… close to Miami) so I wouldn’t have to spend so much time on a plane and could spend more time with you guys drinking at the bar (see how I’m always thinking of you? I’m great like that).

Also it’s totally pretty and your wedding photos will look great and we’ll all get to stay together at a resort and it will definitely be like a slumber party from High School only with less junk food and the same amount of drama and gossip.


The France
So after some initial research (eg. clicking one link, because I can google and skim things just as well as you can- thanks university for teaching me to read one or two sentences and then just assume the rest) I have discovered that only a Civil Ceremony in France is legally binding, and it has to be done at Town hall (borrrring) and that the Mayor has to do it (doesn’t he have more important mayoral type stuff to be doing?)
BUUUUUUT you can totally have a ceremony and I vote somewhere pretty like the French Riviera or a tiny little town that is adorable and where we can embarrass ourselves and people don’t know us so its fine and there is delicious cheese. Isn’t Champagne a place? Lets go there, I’m betting they have alcohol there. Like maybe they’re known for their beer?
Why *I* like this Idea: K first off, it’s France, so obviously we will do your wedding thing AND THEN go stuff our faces with cheese and baguettes and go shopping. Maybe all at the same time. I can multi-task (I think).
Why *YOU* like this idea: France is far and expensive and so you can cut out those people you kindof didn’t really want to invite but kindof had too. Also your photos again will be adorable and the catering will be pretty good. I hear they have good cheese. I’m kindof into cheese. I can’t tell if you can tell. But um yeah. Thats why I’m coming to your wedding in France. And also I love you…and shit.


African Safari Wedding
Listen, your husband-to-be clearly likes animals, look at his Groomsman line-up, so let’s just add more Predators to the wedding and go do an African Safari! I know you’re thinking I chose this because I just want to do a Safari and I don’t want to go by myself, but nooooo. It’s totally about you and you’re totally special to me and OMFGLOOKAGIRRAFFE!! And back to you. Also think of all the nature and the stars and the beauty of life and junk. You’re a part of the circle of life now that you and your man are pairing off. So lets just add to that with the majesty of the African continent.
Why we don’t like this Idea: Pretty sure we’re going to have to get some EPIC injections before we head over to your Safari wedding, and I just recently had to get Tetanus AND Rabies when I got bitten by a monkey and those tiny sharp bits of metal HURTGODDAMNIT. So yeah. We are probably going to have to factor that in. But BONUS, I felt really sick and couldnt eat for a day and a half when I got the jabs, so we’ll be FULLY skinny and hot on your special day.


The Vegas
I think Vegas gets a bad rap from people like Britney who don’t take the sanctity of the institution very seriously (barf). But listen. We could make your Vegas wedding totally classy and awesome. They also have sweet hotels, it’s hot (so back in the swim suit) and amazing clubs (from what I hear…I haven’t been…I’m not cool enough to go…yet). Vegas makes sense because so many people get married there, I’m sure they have the whole wedding she-bang down to an art. Which leaves more time for us to hang out and gamble and make poor life decisions. Plus it’s totes close to LA, so after we’re done getting you wifed up, I’ll just head on over to Hollywood so they can finally discover me and make me famous.

Then you can say you had a celebrity at your wedding, which makes it about 5x cooler.

You’re welcome.