It may not seem like it when you first meet me (insert joke about Blonde hair and big boobs here) but I am absolutely fascinated by Space (and not just because I want to be a big STAAAAAAAR). And it is with growing fascination that I learn about the ‘One Way Ticket to Mars’ shenanigans, which has all the elements of my favourite reality TV show rolled into one.

A group of people (most, presumably with strange social habits, because duh…you want to take a one-way ticket to mars) are going to be living in a confined space, far removed from the rest of society, with many challenges to overcome. Forever.

Get the pop-corn ready girls, looks like a marathon of epic reality TV viewing.

I mean… seriously.

This is like Big Brother on LSD…in space.

But I don’t think these people are crazy for wanting to be like “Catchya!” to earth and pissing off to another planet. I mean think about it!?

Didn’t get invited to that thing on Facebook, no worries, I’M IN SPACE.
Oh, your friends are all getting married and having babies and you aren’t…YEA WHATEVER, I’M THE FIRST PERSON TO LIVE ON MARS. dick.
So much debt…NOT ON MARS THERE AIN’T. take that phone bill.
I’m getting heavier the older I get… BITCH YOU WEIGH A THIRD OF WHAT YOU WOULD WEIGH ON MARS. okay size zero

Is it any wonder then that over 200,000 people have applied for the 4 spots they’re creating for the One way trip?

And okay, okay, family and friends and stuff and like…missing them and junk. It would suck to never get to pat a puppy again or see a rainbow or lick a tree (hey! it’s a free country) but think about all the amazing and vast…amazingness that’s out there in space. That nobody has ever really seen? Think about all the unique instagram uploads. #marsmondays #yolo #i’msoaloneoutheresomebodyrescueusi’vemadeahugemistakeandijustwantsomemcdonalds. You’d get so many followers! And you’d be so internet (and book) famous. Know who Neil Armstrong and Buzz Alrdin are? I thought so.

I just hope that the Mars One mission people know what they’re doing/have a good Television Production crew working on this.

The Reality TV potential is enormous. They are going to select 24 applicants and then the TOP 4 are the ones off to Mars.

X Factor eat your heart-out.

I hope Simon Cowell is somehow involved.

I hope they pick some interesting character types. If I was going to guess, I’d predict a show like Big Brother, mixed with Survivor and Beauty and the Geek.

Here are my predictions for the top 4 candidates off to Mars.

The Hot Jock Guy
The Hot Jock Guy

The Hot Jock-type Astronaut 
A fine Specimen. He is intelligent (duh, he’s an astronaut) and totally the leader of the group. He’s fantastic in a crisis because he can keep cool calm and collected, and people gravitate towards him because he gets shit done (and he’s gorgeous.)
How he Impressed the judges
His story of losing his Mother, Father and Baby sister in a tragic fire provoked him to become a fire fighter, and it was his grandmothers dying wish that he go to Astronaut school to become an astronaut (quiet, just go along with it). Obviously it’s good that he doesn’t have a family tying him to earth, and he’s so good looking, the first baby born on Mars is going to be totally hot. Also – the entire world is going to enjoy watching him for the rest of his life.

The Smart Hot Female
The Smart Hot Female

The Smart Hot Female-type Astronaut
She’s some kind of Scandinavian/Swedish/Finnish and was the best most brilliant student in her Airforce squad (conquering the fact that she is both attractive AND a woman in a male dominated work environment yayforyou – cue Mulan style montage). Her parents are ageing scientists who believe their sacrifice of their daughter to space was inevitable. She will be expected to hook up with the hot Jock at some point during the mission… but will she… or will her eye be caught by the unfortunate-looking but brilliant…

Quiet Nerdy One
Quiet Nerdy One

The Quiet Nerdy-type Astronaut
This guy almost failed his physical (because of overly skinny/overweight body – this cliche is inter-changeable so… you choose!) but his mind is so brilliant the Mars One people couldn’t possibly not select him. He once re-routed a computer using a pineapple an envelope slicer and an out-of-date 2008 calendar. He will likely hookup with the Hot female-type astronaut much to the chagrin of the producers and the future race of Mars which will be slightly less attractive, but way better at computers.
Why did he try out for Mars One
A real lack of interest in socializing with people on earth, led Quiet Nerdy-type Astronaut to seek a higher purpose. Little did he know when he signed up for the program, he’d be getting a crash course in love…and friendship…cue music and….MARS ONE opening credits… oh hang on we forgot one.

The Smart, Attractive, Black-type Astronaut AKA the one that will die first
The Smart, Attractive, Black-type Astronaut that we’ll never know too much about AKA the one that will die first probably

The Smart, Attractive, Black-type Astronaut that we’ll never know too much about AKA the one that will die first
Don’t get too used to seeing this guy around Mars Base camp, because if there is anything to be learned from movies like Aliens, Stargate, The Core, Red Dawn, Alen vs Predator Requiem (I could go on, there is a list) it’s that in a situation like the Mars One, there are going to be problems (not necessarily with Aliens, although I’m not ruling that out) and who is going to get killed first/sacrifice themselves for the sake of the group and the success of the mission. THIS GUY.
Why is he even going to Mars?
Who knows?! He’s totally probably smart and healthy enough to be there, we’ll just not really get a sense of his time line is all I’m saying.

If this is the first you’ve heard about the Mars Mission – go educate yourself but for now, BRB – Jerry Bruckheimer is on the phone.