So you’re all weird and getting engaged and/or married and shit, and the next thing is, you’re talking about your potential future babies (which you can totally name after me…just saying). And it’s fine. It’s totally fine. I’m not hyperventilating over here, freaking out about the fact that you’re considering growing a human person inside of you. This paper bag is just how I pick up dudes. I’m just breathing into it to save all of my wishes for later. I am definitely NOT having a panic attack because in my mind we’re still 17 years old. I can drink legally in any country I want to bitches, and vote and junk. Psh-yea I knew that. Whateveeeeer.


If you’ve ever met me in real life, you know that actually, I’m ridiculously good with children and animals, just ask my Roommates Hedgehog “Hedgy.” That guy almost NEVER bites me (anymore), and therefore, I should totally babysit and/or be your child’s godmother/temporary legal guardian.

Here are some fun activities me and your baby will get up to:

The Playground

me and your baby at the park

I f-ing LOVE playgrounds, but it’s weird if I go there by myself. Seriously, when was the last time you saw an (almost) 25 year old playing joyfully in the sandbox or on the swings and didn’t judge them. That’s what I thought. Me and your baby will have an AMAZING time together. Baby will be eating sand , and I’ll be sliding my way to slide-heaven and not getting stared at by haughty stay at home mothers. SORRY I love the thrill of the wind in my glorious locks and your life sucks. Jeez.

Laughing our Asses off

Paris and baby laughing

Babies love to laugh and that’s great, because I do too. If your baby and I hang out, a lot of our time will be spent giggling/being adorable/generally making people jealous of how seriously great of a time we are having (you can’t sit with us!) Have you ever laughed so hard you shit yourself? Neither have I, but your baby has, and the good news is it was right around the time you came to pick them up so BYE! No diaper changes for me sucker…your babies diaper…not my own…that was almost awkward because it almost sounded like I wear adult diapers which I don’t… I swear …huh?…whats that over there?! *points, runs.*

Drinking and the Passing out

paris drinking

One thing I do know about babies is that they drink A LOT and then like to pass out. This is great news because I also enjoy this activity. I knew your baby and I had so many things in common. They’ll be drinking milk, and I’ll be drinking white Russians. Same same! Except after 5 drinks each, your baby will be a more likely candidate to operate a vehicle legally than I. So… no biggie!

Making a mess of ourselves

Your baby is really special (to you) but they maybe aren’t the brightest crayon in the box. That’s why when they eat/paint/do their taxes, they tend to make a mess. And that’s where your baby and I have another thing in common – we both scream and cry when we don’t get our way and we tend to get messy when food is involved


In conclusion, vote for me for class president… I mean…

In conclusion, I’m going to be the coolest Auntie around. I’m going to be the one who lets your kid stay up late, feeds them chocolate and pixie sticks right before you turn up, and lets them jump on the bed (I’m going to be Robin Williams in Mrs Doubtfire before his wife totally separates from him and he becomes a cross-dressing nanny type.)

You’re welcome.