I used to love it when my parents would read to me as a child. I think that it was all the reading they did in those early years that has made me want to write my own things (and drink directly out of bottles while people told me tall tales).

But lets be honest. Some of the people featured in my favorite stories…were kind of assholes.

Goldilocks

Goldilocks
Obviously a spoilt beeeetch. This girl thinks she can just walk on in to somebodies house and eat their food and chill in their beds? Yeaaaaah that wouldn’t fly at my place and I’m not a bear.
The way that story should have ended was with Goldi getting eaten. Bears?! I mean I’m new to Canada and all, and even I know you don’t mess around with those guys. Would your parents let this girl come over to play after school? I don’t think so. She’d probably steal your shit and your boyfriend. Girl has issues!

260px-Prince_eric_the_little_mermaid

Prince Eric – from The Little Mermaid
If there is one thing I learned from The Little Mermaid it is that I don’t actually have to be able to communicate with a Prince for them to fall in love with me (I’m coming for you Prince Harry…just you wait!) Prince Eric liked Ariel because…she was pretty and…wide eyed… and she did dopey things like brush her hair with a fork. I’ll brush my hair with a pair of underwear if it means I get to live in a castle and have frogs sing me a song while I’m in a little row boat. I don’t think my friends would be down for me to date this dude (oh so you guys don’t even talk?), I think Sebastian was totally justified in freaking out. Poor old Sebastian. Nobody even likes you, and while your outer layer is tough, you have a soft juicy inside.

Hansel_and_Gretel_by_Ebae

Hansel and Gretel
Okay. Your step-parent sucks and I get that (not from personal experience) but jeeeeesssus. You don’t go eating somebodies house. Like actually. What are you? A termite? I’m actually not surprised the Witch came down on you like a tonne of bricks, the woman spent AGES building a house made of confectionery and it’s in the FOREST! The poor lady is probably constantly battling forest creatures nibbling away, rain issues, mold. I’m not surprised she was pissed. My folks always taught me to ASK before licking someone’s walls. It’s common courtesy really.

Wendy and her Bro’s from Peter Pan
You just up and left your parents place in the middle of the night?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!!? Do you want to give your parents a heart attack?!? Oh so you were off in a magical world with Peter, you know where your parents thought you were? Locked in some dudes basement in Ohio, or dead in a forest, or sold into sex slavery. I get it, it was kind of a rush. But for gods sakes leave a note next time. People were WORRIED about you idiots.

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