I am tired.

Tired like my eyes might fall out of my face if I don’t keep my head in the right position.
Tired like my bones are rocks injected with cement.
Tired like my brain is potato.
A potato? Multiple potatoes?

No but really… it could be. Have you seen my brain? I haven’t and from what I understand of the human body (which is not much) it very could well be made out of things like glitter and crazy glue. We’ve only seen a brain once it’s come out of the skull or in an X-ray or when we drill into it. Maybe our brains change form? Like our blood does when exposed to oxygen. These are all valid questions don’t you think?

But I digress.

I know it’s all my own doing, the whole, being tired thing. I know that, I’ve always known that – but it’s gotten to the point where I just don’t know when I’ll ever catch up on all this sleep, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to. Because If I stop and relax, I might actually never get out of bed and get on with shit. I’m running around like a guy with bee’s in his pants because I am trying this thing where I am a “go-getter.”

Weekends are more like Freak-ends where I’m trying to fit all the Social, Creative and Organizational stuff I missed during the week into two days – the things I couldn’t make work outside of a nine-to-five work hours or the hours between finishing work, whatever the fuck I’m doing after, and collapsing into bed.

So I got to thinking, there has got to be a way to cut some corners. Everything in today’s society is designed to make my life more time efficient, so how can I make this work?
Here are some time-saving idea’s:

Brush my Teeth and Hair in the shower
This is going to give me like ten extra minutes a day! I can brush my teeth while also washing my body, and Brush my hair while simultaneously washing it. I usually have 9-12 minute showers (I only know this because I like to blast Songza playlists to sing along to and by the 3rd or 4th song… I’m over it) so I feel like squeezing these activities together is really going to help.

Eat Breakfast while walking to catch public transport
This is a great Idea because I will simultaneously be putting calories in my body while burning them off, right?! Screw sitting down to eat, what is the point of that when I can literally do the same thing, but while also getting myself to where I need to be going. That is another 15 minutes I’ve just saved right there! Can somebody say “Sleep in!”

Quality Long Distance Family time while sleeping
It is kind of sad that my family lives so far away from me (2 in Australia, 1 in Asia, 1 in Transit/Travelling) but kind of awesome too. Because even if those wonderful people I share close DNA with lived around the corner, I’m not sure I would have time to see them anyway. So we skype and text, which is great, but sometimes I get distracted, and if its been a week since our last quality gab, we can get to chatting for hours on end. So what if we connected while I was asleep? I’ll physically be present and you can totes talk to me, it’ll just be like I’m in a coma! Is that cool?
Sweet. I knew they’d be up for it.

Cook & Exercise simultaneously!
Since I’m an old spinster now, I need to give more of a shit what my body is doing from the neck down (because personality alone ain’t gonna fly, saddlebags) and that means no more eating 3000 calorie french cheese on the couch on a Sunday, it means exercise and a better diet! Two of the worst things ever! High five y’all! Spending long periods in the kitchen steaming vegetables and grilling plain boring meat sucks, and so does going to the gym (except the part where I get to watch cable…ahhhh the luxury). So i’ll have to somehow combine these two mega-SUPER-happy-FUNTIMES into one thing. I can totally do squats while opening up the crisper, sideways stretches while reaching for the bowls up high. Jogging on the spot while my miserable meal simmers. *Sobs*

Better Idea:

Eat and Sleep
I hate needles more than I hate pretty much anything else in the world (except Sharks and Onions), but how much time a day would I save if I could just have one of those drips that feeds nutrients directly into me? What’s it connected to? Your blood? Your arm? How is your arm feeding your body!??! How does science work, I don’t even know. Do I want to know? No. But seriously. People on those drip things seem to get really skinny and also they still live. SO I feel like this is actually a way better option, and I’ll totally get over my fear of needles too because I’ll be hooking myself up every night. Brrrrrr the crook of my arm is tingling from the imagined cold steel penetration. I don’t know if I could do it. But think of all the extra time for activities!

Shave my legs while on the toilet
Lets be honest. I don’t shave my legs every day (sorry all the people queued up to feel these silky smooth bad-boys, you’re shit out of luck) but when I do, it’s like some poor intrepid explorer cutting through the jungle with a machete. So what if I like shaved my legs while sitting on the loo? This is ideal because all of the shaving products are already in the bathroom. Yup this is a fantastic idea. Noted.

Exfoliate my legs WHILE getting dressed
It’s winter now, so my skin is gross and I’m wearing stockings or thermals or pants or all at any given time, so maybe I could fill up these items with sand or grit and then just roll around on the floor so that it exfoliates the skin? MMMMMMM. Sexy.

With these time saving strategies in place, I’ll have so much more time for the things that are really important! Like updating my LinkedIn and obssessively checking my phone.

BRB gotta go win at life some more.