Here are 50 something things you shouldn’t get your Father on his 50 Something Birthday:
1. A 40 oz Bottle of Hard Liquor
Pops, you’re old now. You should be in bed by 8.30pm LATEST. What do you think you are?! Forty something?! Enjoy your 50’s with some chamomile tea and MAYBE a glass of Bailey’s and Milk…if it’s Christmas… and you’re feeling wild and frisky.
2. A Pet Rock
Dad, I just don’t know how many more years you’re going to be around, and a Pet rock is a lot of responsibility. I wouldn’t want to get you a pet rock only for me to have to adopt it back. So. Probs just stick to pets that die more frequently. Like Goldfish. Good ol’ predictably death-hungry fishes. Yay!
3. A “cool” Sweater
I don’t want you to get mugged by hipsters who want to steal your style, you trendy old man you (I already see them eyeing up your 80’s jeans…isn’t it great they came back in fashion!)
4. A Map
Look Dad, all of the places you wanted to visit but you never will!
5. Book, “100 Places to see before you die”
6. Best of Nickleback CD
No one should own this, and despite the old man jokes, I actually love you.
7. A life-time membership anywhere
Well. You’re not going to use it much are you? Probs should have bought it for you when you were born. Get the most use out of it.
8. A Pound of Mar-i-ju-ana
You’re already moving slow enough and laughing at lame things. Lets just leave that one alone.
9. A Vehicle
PAHAHA like i’ll ever be able to afford a vehicle. Also should you be driving? Think of society.
10. Google Glasses
11. Salsa classes
12. A potato
14. A blow up sex doll
15. Concert Tickets
Who knows if you’ll be around… we can’t plan that far ahead!
16. A mirror
How many working days do you really have left in you?
18. A retirement plan
Can’t afford…on your own old man
19. Adult diapers
I don’t want to deal with your shit…literally…
20. Tight leather pants
24. An escort
25. A guide dog
26. A hearing aid
27. A disabled parking permit
28. Extra slippery shower soap
29. Expired milk
31. Skydiving Lessons
33. A pound of Butter
34. Swim with Sharks experience
35. A turtle
I don’t want you to feel bad when it out lives you
36. Protein Powder
Do you even Lift?
37. Back Wax
38. Crack Wax
39. Sack Wax
41. Samurai Sword
42. Light Saber
43. Electric Knife
45. Wooden Spoon
Wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.
46. Map to buried Treasure
47. Cursed Amulet
48. 10,000 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle
I don’t want you to never know what it creates!
49. Poison Toad
50. List of 50 something things people shouldn’t buy you and take every opportunity to poke fun at how old you are…..ohhhhh shitttt
Just kidding Daddy! I love you so much, and I hope one day I’ll be as cool as you were in your mid to late twenties.
And as skinny.Thanks for the Genes!