7. Mispronounce and misspell your name when speaking to people we both know, about you:

“How is um…what was her name…shit… Diandra? You know, the brunette from Sales? Oh Diana? With an iana on the end? Huh. You have literally not corrected me 30 times. Weird.”

6. Delete all of your text messages out of my phone:
Because even seeing your name in my inbox pisses me off.

5. Depending how much you have pissed me off… delete your phone number:
So when you next text me I have to be all “Sorry who is this? Just updated my IOS and lost all my contacts. Oh Diandra! How are you!!?”

4. Write a thinly veiled blog post about you
Ahem.

3. Give you a really awkward nickname that me and my friends will exclusively refer to you as, that likely has something to do with a physical trait of yours:
“Hey remember when I was telling you about that guy Boyband? You know, he’s friends with insanely-small-dick-and-balls?”

2. Consistently tag you in photos online where you look really fat/disgusting and play dumb every time you crack the shits.

1. Name a shit thing that happens after you and just continuously use your name in this manner:
*Paris eats the rest of her friends ice cream. Paris’s friend discovers this and loses her mind.
Paris: I’m sorry I pulled a Fat-Fuck-Sam, but I was just so incredibly hungry.