Dear weird guy at the event,

I’m talking to you because I’m nice and I am volunteering here. You seem like you’re not with any one and you approached me, and I have to stand here…. You are wasted and you smell like rotten grapes and I am working, so I feel like I kind of have to be polite to you. It is loud in here so you are getting reaaaalllll close to my face – which is an absolutely hideous experience for me because I think actually might have just spat into my mouth and again, you smell.

Please take your hand off my back. I do not know you and yuck, you are gross. Please do not think you can move that hand down towards my ass. I took a step back to try and give you a physical hint that I am not interested in you, because apparently telling you I have a boyfriend wasn’t enough. You asked why I don’t dump him and go out with you? I’ll give you five reasons, and they are attached to the thing which is attached to your shoulder which is trying to rest itself on the small of my back… for now. Please stop touching me.

No thanks, I don’t drink while I’m working, and we’ve already established that I am not into you. That is faaahhhascinating that you believe a man should be dominant in a relationship. And great to know that you make over 6 figures and that you could take me out to some of the “best spots in Toronto” because you know “everyone”. I think I’m going to try and throw my friend into your path now so I can run away. Sorry Ashlea.

Your flirtation game is ON POINT Weird Guy. Whichever pick up manual told you to touch a female as much as possible to assert your interest was TOTALLY right. Panty dropper ovah heeeereeee. I’m just avoiding you because you are TOO much of a man for me.

Yours truly

Not interested.